A Kind Letter is More Difficult Than You Think

We’ve all thought back about what we’d tell ourselves decades before. I know I’d tell myself not to wear those hand me down 80s clothes in the 90s, skip the ratted bangs, baggy Skidz pants, and the oversized Polo shirt.

Jump ahead 10 years from now and I wonder what I would want to tell 40-year-old Virginia. I have always been critical of myself.

I AM WRITING THIS FOLLOWING LETTER SAYING THINGS I NEED TO HEAR RIGHT NOW.

So as I write this, know that I hardly need a reminder that I am saved from my poor choice by grace, and that I daily lay down my tendencies toward people pleasing or anxiety. I am learning to ask Jesus how He sees me and to walk in freedom, and am sharing because I know I am not alone in this.

A kind letter to myself is more difficult than you think.

Dear V,

Beautiful woman of God, you are free. You are forgiven. Stop and let this soak in. Sit in this truth, and don’t just throw a checkmark to the left of it on your to-do list. Stop and celebrate.

Ok, now let’s move on to something big, just because you stepped out of one position doesn’t mean you’re not seeking God or His ways. You are not a failure. You are far from that. You are created in God’s image, His bride. You are another voice to proclaim His love in a world that so desperately needs to not only hear but see His love lived out. God’s ways are higher, and you don’t see all that He is preparing you for. Those moments that flew by in your 30s and now have kingdom impact, only because you don’t stop.

Stay rooted in God’s Word, and live with open hands, eyes open to the faithfulness of God. Girl, (yes, you’re still a little girl), in the midst of the heartache and confusion you may face, don’t forget how God is present. He walks with you. He loves and cares. The moments you feel seen, loved, held “together” and free, that’s just the beginning.

The lies you began to believe in your youth and still creep back in, they are brought down with Truth…don’t stop the fight. The battle is won with our Savior and in His power.

The unknown of homeschooling and frustrations and fears of the entire prospect seem but a passing breeze to the powerful storms of renewal and growth. Don’t freeze in fear, march on.

Don’t become numb to the world’s sadness. Let the tears for the hurting spur you on to action, not send you crying in the corner. Keep going.

The exercise, keep up the exercise. You’ll be glad you did. Those stretches and that healthy food help you jump out of bed much faster every day. Who cares if your pant size doesn’t display the health of your bones and spirit. The worries you have about the dimples and stretch marks is wasted time. You are God’s creation, don’t see yourself as less. You can walk and move (remember when you were paralyzed or had that brain tumor?) Yes, so throw away the scale, wear clothing confidently, and teach your kids what real health looks and feels like.

The time you spent in prayer for each of your children, family member, and friends, that’s what lasts.

Hormones, oh goodness, the hormones and changes in your life, eh, it’s new. Read the books, pray, and just name it and take it on. You’re not going crazy. It’s normal-ish.

Keep spending time with your husband, those energetic kids, your family, and friends. The busy times only slow down when you choose.

Friends, don’t assume they are “too busy”, be a good friend, pursue, encourage, walk with them.

Continue practicing saying no, and don’t fear when it's time to say yes to the bold opportunities God opens up for you. Confidently move forward.

Continue to put down the phone and look those precious ones in the eyes and wrap your arms around them as much as you can. They grow quickly. Those conversations at night and stories retold will be precious memories. This parenting gig is a difficult privilege. Don’t hold back.

God is faithful. You are here for a purpose, march on.

~V

What do you need to remind yourself of right now? Don’t wait 10 years and feel regret. Face it, line it up with God’s Truth and move forward.

Trusting God in this season of Wife, Mom of littles

I am Virginia, wife of Paul for 12 years, Mom to 3 kids ages 10 to 5. I shared this tiny bit of my story with the women of my church the other week. I pray as I share it here that you may be encouraged.

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I grew up going to church, accepted Jesus as my personal Savior at the age of 5, and read my Bible through my teen years. I served in the church and made every effort to please both God and others. In college I rededicated my life to Jesus after some poor choices, and ended up being able to go abroad and serve alongside some local churches and support them. I am a teacher, love to create, and enjoy the outdoors. I had a brain tumor 9 years ago, was paralyzed for 6 weeks and had an undiagnosed infection that could’ve taken my life. Health then became my idol and source of fear.

When I was asked to answer, What are you currently trusting God for? As a new homeschooling mom to 3, it was great for me to sit and reflect.

What am I trusting God for, and how does that look?

Identity. I am daily trusting God for Identity in Him.

The clutter, cries, and minute by minute needs can leave me feeling overwhelmed and lost if I’m not rooted in Who God says I am. I can find myself attempting to find my identity in what I do or do not do, rather than who God says I am. I can choose to put on anxiety and worry that I messed up, worry about being around for my kids, and since I had some of the oddest things happen to me, in the back of my head I can jump to the google answer as a possibility. I can choose to spiral, or I can choose humility and Jesus’ forgiveness. I can accept His wisdom, and grace, remembering that I am redeemed, I am God’s beloved. I am the daughter of the One True King. I am more than a conquerer in Christ Jesus.

How do I practically do this? How do I remember that my identity is not defined when my hands are soaking in a pile of dishes with squabbles at my side, or when I’m greeted by underwear still attached to the inside out pants? How do I keep my cool? By seeking God in His Word, in worship, and in prayer. I have verses and reminders around my house that I may sometimes shout out in the shower, or cry into my pillow. When those thoughts enter my mind, I am trying to be mindful and refute lies with Truth. Prayer, prayer changes everything. (I’m blessed to be married to a man who loves Jesus. As I type this, I know that is not true of everyone’s situation, but this is part of how I battle the lies.) Every morning the most beautiful, imperfect words pour out of my husband’s mouth, as he prays for me, and our family. Every evening we pray over our family again. I say imperfect because the words we say don’t make our prayers beautiful, the power, grace, and love of God does. I share with him my fears, and he knows he can’t do anything but to get on his knees and point me to Jesus. In addition, I may text a friend to ask for her to pray when a new headache follows me all day, or my patience has disappeared. What would have crippled me in fear in the past, now I try to see as a highway rumble strip with a fast correction.

Peace. I am daily trusting God for peace.

Peace for the anxious times. Peace in the busy schedules. I am daily on my knees praying for help to let go of the control over my husband, my kids, house, homeschool, friendships, unknowns. When left on my own my brain can quickly hit the worst case scenario. He’s so good to show me in His Word, help calm my nerves, and remind me who I am in Him, and what He calls us to. Here are the verses I had memorized and placed under my pillow before my brain surgery.

Philippians 4:4-9, ESV

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I am not to think about how I may have disappointed my husband, I am not to be thinking about the broken glass. I am not to be focusing on the horrible news that fills our feeds, no, I am to be anxious for nothing, pray, and replace that with God’s truth, lovely things, and thanksgiving.

How do I practically do this? Log off of Facebook, and block it on my phone. Remove Instagram. Refuse to watch the news. Listen to audiobooks and spotify playlists of the good, true, and lovely.

Provision. I am daily trusting God for His Provision

as I am no longer working outside of the home. Last year God was very clear that I was to take a leave of my teaching position and pull my kids home. I looked foolish to many, lost some friendships, but am at peace about where He has us. God has provided just enough, every month. It is faith growing to watch how God provides little blessings that may have gone unnoticed in prior years.

How do we trust God to provide?

We live on a tight budget and shop at Aldi too. We watch our finances closely, and pray faith filled prayers. Our decade old mini van gets us around town, and we utilize the Hoopla app and the library now rather than purchasing books. We pray with our kids about the little and big things. They have seen God provide a gift card for Gigi’s sparkle boots when she needed new shoes and we couldn’t find any at the thrift. We’ve seen God provide supplements, new to us appliances, new to us vintage door, size 5 winter coat and boots, just praying and watching God provide in unique ways. We also realize we don’t need as much as we thought we did in the past.

So, as I trust God for my identity, His peace and provision, I hope to encourage you and you me.

Love,

V

Simpler Times - How to know when technology causes more harm than good

I lay hunched over holding my baby, typing with one hand on my phone, balancing and shifting my fingers with each breath.  My how times have changed.  The decorative turquoise typewriter from the 60s sits on my desk to look pretty, but the real work happens with my left thumb putting my thoughts quickly down on the screen as my other arms supports my sleeping baby girl. 

From the couch whose angles and springs invite everyone after a long day, to the spring rockers that sit steady, our furniture reminds us of simpler times, times we didn't experience, but simplicity we'd like our family home to host.  Each piece we find abandoned at the thrift or sold from a loved one, we breath new life into and soon the kids are jumping off of them and reading under them. 

The clean lines and the unique shapes of the furniture and decor represent our determination to not be distracted, not feel the need to keep up with the newest decor trends, but to find the pieces that truly represent our unique taste and family. 

The irony of it is that I'm clenching my iPhone as the iPad sits on the side table.  How do we live in such a time with opportunities and technology ever expanding, and yet not be distracted?  How do I love on my baby and meet the demands of my other children, husband, friends and family?  I read, write out notes, plan, schedule, text, write grocery lists, email, lesson plan, watch re-runs on an app, connect with friends on IG, all on my phone.  When I need to get away, I hide it in the bedroom with the volume down. 

Notifications roll across my screen and my mind adds another thing to my to-do list. 

I don't want to be staring at my screen and miss the notifications of my children.  The moments of worry that may flash across their face, the joy when they spell their sight word perfectly, the wonder of Jesus.  The moments missed because we are choosing to not use technology properly. 

When our tools for efficiency and connection become hindrances to our relationships and lives we must make a change. 

Even as I write this on my laptop, my son snuggles next to me and spells his sight words once again.  My eyes move away from the screen and I look at him and ask how I can serve him, a deliberate choice to be present. 

Work and play, efficiency and entertainment, all mixed together in our palms while our families and relationships slowly stunted from the missed moments.  It is not too late.  We must make a choice to be deliberate with our time.  As I lay my phone down on the kidney shaped table, and look over to the colorful Pyrex stacked on my shelves, I stand determined to make a life change. 

How are you being deliberate with your technology choices in your home?  Do you have some amazing resources to share?  We'd love to hear how you balance the use of technology and your thoughts on this. 

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Would you like to reflect and sort through how to make change with me?  Sign-up for the bi-monthly newsletter below to keep in touch and you'll get the reflection study and a printable for your home, and keep the conversation going. 

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God Calls Us and God Is With Us

God calls us.
God calls us to love everyone.  Love the seemingly unlovable, the tough.  God asks us to trust Him and walk with Him, in the midst of the unknown. 

This year our family challenged with some tough relationships and situations.  Together we faced the vulnerable, the scary, and uncharted territory for our family.  We did not handle every situation well.  However, we comprehended just a bit more of how much Jesus loves us, sacrificed for us, and pursues us, mess and all.  The idea that we can even possibly pull ourselves together enough to present ourselves as lovable and desirable to God is laughable.

All of that being said,

What God calls us to may not be easy, in fact it probably won't be easy.  
God doesn't promise easy, He promises that He is with us.  God with us, Emmanuel. 

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. - John 1:14 NASB

Jesus wasn't welcomed by all.  His moments on earth were full of pain and suffering as well.  There was purpose to it.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5 NIV

We cannot forget this truth every December we remember our Savior's birth.  No matter what He asks us to do, or all of the difficulties and pain, joys and doubts we may face, He is here.  Jesus has been, is, and always will be with us.  There's nothing He cannot do.  There's nothing too big for God. 

Tough relationships that need mending.

A Christmas without a loved one.

Looming health issues.

Fear of the future.

Times of desperation or confusion.

Times of joy and praise.

Let us reflect on God's Truths this week and rest in Jesus.  How are you taking to heart and embracing the fact that God is with us in the midst of it all?  What does this mean for you this season?  What is God asking you to move forward in today? 

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(I wrote this over the past month.  Today in church, the message was almost exactly what I had written.  God is good.  The impressions on my heart He leaves in prayer times are reinforced through leaders and friends in life...so humbling!)

Our Baby Genevieve Story

Genevieve Alice arrived August 22, 2013 just after noon.  If you follow me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter you may have seen a feed full of pictures.  Our family has been having fun welcoming her home.  I have been dealing with some health issues and it has made it difficult to care for my family.  If you are interested in the “not-too-much-information-birth-story” read on toward the bottom (for those of you that asked).

(Genevieve, this is for you to read when you are much older, like maybe after you have your first child yourself.)

Baby Gigi, you entered this world with warning signs for days.  Muscles and bones screamed of your arrival and your kicks let me know of your excitement to see your family you heard for months inside of my belly.  Child, you were with me through some stressful times of illness, pregnancy illness, mommy taking graduate classes and going back to work.  With each change I felt a closeness to you, feeling Jesus is with me and smiling, knowing you were too.

Now when you came, you were a bit poky like your brother and sister.  You see, I had contractions for hours 3-5 minutes apart for 2 days (and then they would stop after 2 hours) and by the 3rd day, they came and didn’t seem to stop.  1 week early, your daddy and I headed to the hospital late morning (it took 2 hours to get your siblings dropped off and get to the hospital) and the contractions stopped.  You see, you are unique, and so was your entrance.  Your brother and sister took over 30 and over 20 hours each, but the contractions never stopped.  Your peaceful demeanor calmed me so that I thought I was going home to wait for another day.  After being hooked up to the monitors and walking the halls to see if things would start up again, I wandered to the nurse’s station and put my face in my hands.

“Just send me home,” I whimpered to the nurse.

To which she quickly replied, “Honey, I just got off of the phone with your Dr. and he actually would like you to stay.  There’s a bit of a concern with the baby’s heartbeat and we need to continue to monitor you.”

I was in shock.  I was ready to go home and now she’s saying something may be of concern.  Within a few minutes I was told that I needed an internal monitor or two and the baby would be coming within 24 hours as they have to break my water to do that.  I remember feeling nervous knowing that there was a concern, yet peaceful thinking she’ll be in good hands and in my arms within the day.

The shift from triage to a delivery room immediately happened and I was up in a new room.  There were a lot of emergencies going on in the hospital and it was 4 hours before I was on to the next step and the monitors hooked up.  Contractions came and were not steady nor getting stronger.  They were random and this again was not typical for me.  The other two kids I had strong, steady contractions 2 minutes apart for HOURS and that’s where I would SLOWLY progress.  Now my body wasn’t even doing that.

My two previous births were completely natural.  Now they are saying Pitocin in order to get the baby out in time before a risk of infection.  There was no question whether I would have it.  An IV and hours of Pitocin and my body was doing it’s normal SLOW progression through the morning hours.  At this point I was exhausted after 3 days of horrible sleep and on-and-off contractions.  I asked for the medication Stadol that allows your body to relax between contractions (which was 1 minute at this point) and I still felt the contractions themselves.  The funny thing is that this is how I felt with my first baby without meds, I just couldn’t get relaxed enough to do it this time.  I am so glad I did this.  The medicine wore off before I had to push and it gave me two hours of a bit of sanity between the pain.

At just after 12 noon I knew I had to push and screamed.  Yes, I’m a screamer at the end.  No apologies.  2 contractions (3 minutes) and she was out without an issue or injury.

The evening was filled with snuggles, excited phone calls and new baby pictures.  I even asked and was approved to leave the next day in the afternoon.

The next morning I was woken up by my OB and I sat in bed talking and feeling good.  After a long chat he left and my breakfast and the nurses arrived.  An hour later I decided to climb out of bed….and that’s when I realized I couldn’t walk.  I could not move anything below my waist without extreme pain and screaming.

The next 12 hours lets just say the nursing staff did not understand the pain I was in.  When the evening shift came, my nurse from the night before was shocked to see me.  Immediately she began asking questions and had my OB called (who was on vacation) as well as other doctors in the hospital.  Three hours later I had answers after multiple tests and X-rays.  I had some bones separate and muscles/tendons pulled.

I had to stay for a few days to figure out how my husband and I were going to be able to function at home with 2 littles and a newborn without the ability to walk.  We made some phone calls and headed home.   I honestly don’t remember much of the first week.  I do remember heading to the ER with stomach issues caused by the medicine and being diagnosed with something completely different as well.  An infection that can happen after baby comes.

So, the last month has been filled with many answered prayers and crazy determination.  I was told by the Osteopathic Surgeon that my bones separated 1.5cm and 3.0cm is the cut-off for surgery for pins to be inserted.  I am glad I do not have to have surgery as long as it does not separate more.  I am blessed as 6-8 weeks is what I was told to take for bed rest.  With much prayer (from many of you) I have been able to slowly gain mobility each day (and I mean slow and painful) but am able to walk forward with a walker now.  I’m enjoying the days with my babies.

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To all of our family and friends (near and far),

Thank you for praying and for your support and patience.  We are truly blessed.  Things are much sweeter and I have learned even more not to take simple things for granted.  I am gaining my mobility back, but others won’t.

Thanks again,

With Love,

our family of 5

Anxious About Being Anxious

One month and baby girl will be here (maybe less after all of the cramps I’m having).  I’m a bit nervous even though this will be my 3rd delivery and the other 2 were safe and healthy.  Do you want to hear something funny?  I‘m anxious about being anxious.  The hormones and post-partum depression denied and gone unchecked that led me to so much anxiety is staring me in the face.

Questions of what-ifs swirl in my head.

& then I remember the Freedom that God gave me through counseling and a little medicine.  No shame.

I will not listen to the negative thoughts, but will focus on the positive.  I know that God is a God of redemption and healing.  I need to continue memorizing God’s truths that tell me who I am and Who He is.  The more I focus on myself, the more anxious I become.

Here’s to the next month of deep breaths, prayer and trusting in the amazing God of the universe.  (& maybe a few more snuggles with my kids!)