Chains that I easily allow to find me suddenly fall.
Chains of fear, anxiety, need to please, desire to control.
As I raise my hands, it is the first year I stand in worship with women where my knees aren't on the floor with my heart seeking answers or freedom from the things that so easily take me down. The room lights dim, music begins and I am brought back to the first year I mourned our 12 week baby in my belly left me, the second year when I cried temporarily paralyzed from the birth of my next baby, left unable to walk or take care of myself, and the 3rd year I was there in person again crying out for freedom.
This 4th year, as I lift my hands in praise and feel a twinge of falling to my knees again, crying out for forgiveness in the greatness of His presence. He whispers no. My soul stands and praises. He whispers to my heart, "You get to praise me right now. Just enjoy my presence. Sure, we've got stuff to work on together, but not now. Right now you get to stand and give glory to Me." This year with much prayer and a few great friends walking alongside I finally feel the freedom I so desperately sought.
Tears well, my throat tightens and my breathes deepen. Oh Jesus, thank You.
My natural tendency to lean toward guilt and shame became more evident in His presence. When I worship I want to ask for guidance and forgiveness. I have a difficult time thinking I am worthy enough to praise. After all, wasn't it just yesterday when I had a twinge of fear coming over me worried about leaving my kids? I sing God's freedom and grace over that.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10 NIV
The lies are hushed by the power of God. His Word sung over me. Tears fall as my heart cries out and I'm reminded of God's desire for me, just as He spoke to Israel so many years ago...
"The Lord your God is with you,
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.” - Zephaniah 3:17 NASB
Oh me of little faith. He's been freeing me the whole time. The lies of unworthiness, the need to control, the fears of the future are fading in the light of God's Word. I feel like this is one of those moments where I will remember and look back on when trouble comes in the future. Like Samuel setting a rock of remembrance, I too am standing firm and writing this for the times in the future where my feet don't feel so certain, and my earthly eyes cannot see the eternal. Freedom from hurt from others. Lies spoken over me through hurtful relationships God called me to all disappear in the light of Christ. I am who God says I am. I am not less than others. I am not too much. Jesus made me enough on the cross 2000 years ago.
So as I move forward this winter you may notice some changes. I'm no longer just letting life pass by allowing my excuses of being too busy to rule the calendar and things God is calling me to. I have the same prayer for you.
Freedom.
Boldness in Christ.
Worship and Community (join us).
"This was in accordance with the eternal purpose which He carried out in Christ Jesus our Lord, in whom we have boldness and confident access through faith in Him." - Ephesians 3:11-12
With love,
Virginia