Trusting God in this season of Wife, Mom of littles

I am Virginia, wife of Paul for 12 years, Mom to 3 kids ages 10 to 5. I shared this tiny bit of my story with the women of my church the other week. I pray as I share it here that you may be encouraged.

---

I grew up going to church, accepted Jesus as my personal Savior at the age of 5, and read my Bible through my teen years. I served in the church and made every effort to please both God and others. In college I rededicated my life to Jesus after some poor choices, and ended up being able to go abroad and serve alongside some local churches and support them. I am a teacher, love to create, and enjoy the outdoors. I had a brain tumor 9 years ago, was paralyzed for 6 weeks and had an undiagnosed infection that could’ve taken my life. Health then became my idol and source of fear.

When I was asked to answer, What are you currently trusting God for? As a new homeschooling mom to 3, it was great for me to sit and reflect.

What am I trusting God for, and how does that look?

Identity. I am daily trusting God for Identity in Him.

The clutter, cries, and minute by minute needs can leave me feeling overwhelmed and lost if I’m not rooted in Who God says I am. I can find myself attempting to find my identity in what I do or do not do, rather than who God says I am. I can choose to put on anxiety and worry that I messed up, worry about being around for my kids, and since I had some of the oddest things happen to me, in the back of my head I can jump to the google answer as a possibility. I can choose to spiral, or I can choose humility and Jesus’ forgiveness. I can accept His wisdom, and grace, remembering that I am redeemed, I am God’s beloved. I am the daughter of the One True King. I am more than a conquerer in Christ Jesus.

How do I practically do this? How do I remember that my identity is not defined when my hands are soaking in a pile of dishes with squabbles at my side, or when I’m greeted by underwear still attached to the inside out pants? How do I keep my cool? By seeking God in His Word, in worship, and in prayer. I have verses and reminders around my house that I may sometimes shout out in the shower, or cry into my pillow. When those thoughts enter my mind, I am trying to be mindful and refute lies with Truth. Prayer, prayer changes everything. (I’m blessed to be married to a man who loves Jesus. As I type this, I know that is not true of everyone’s situation, but this is part of how I battle the lies.) Every morning the most beautiful, imperfect words pour out of my husband’s mouth, as he prays for me, and our family. Every evening we pray over our family again. I say imperfect because the words we say don’t make our prayers beautiful, the power, grace, and love of God does. I share with him my fears, and he knows he can’t do anything but to get on his knees and point me to Jesus. In addition, I may text a friend to ask for her to pray when a new headache follows me all day, or my patience has disappeared. What would have crippled me in fear in the past, now I try to see as a highway rumble strip with a fast correction.

Peace. I am daily trusting God for peace.

Peace for the anxious times. Peace in the busy schedules. I am daily on my knees praying for help to let go of the control over my husband, my kids, house, homeschool, friendships, unknowns. When left on my own my brain can quickly hit the worst case scenario. He’s so good to show me in His Word, help calm my nerves, and remind me who I am in Him, and what He calls us to. Here are the verses I had memorized and placed under my pillow before my brain surgery.

Philippians 4:4-9, ESV

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

I am not to think about how I may have disappointed my husband, I am not to be thinking about the broken glass. I am not to be focusing on the horrible news that fills our feeds, no, I am to be anxious for nothing, pray, and replace that with God’s truth, lovely things, and thanksgiving.

How do I practically do this? Log off of Facebook, and block it on my phone. Remove Instagram. Refuse to watch the news. Listen to audiobooks and spotify playlists of the good, true, and lovely.

Provision. I am daily trusting God for His Provision

as I am no longer working outside of the home. Last year God was very clear that I was to take a leave of my teaching position and pull my kids home. I looked foolish to many, lost some friendships, but am at peace about where He has us. God has provided just enough, every month. It is faith growing to watch how God provides little blessings that may have gone unnoticed in prior years.

How do we trust God to provide?

We live on a tight budget and shop at Aldi too. We watch our finances closely, and pray faith filled prayers. Our decade old mini van gets us around town, and we utilize the Hoopla app and the library now rather than purchasing books. We pray with our kids about the little and big things. They have seen God provide a gift card for Gigi’s sparkle boots when she needed new shoes and we couldn’t find any at the thrift. We’ve seen God provide supplements, new to us appliances, new to us vintage door, size 5 winter coat and boots, just praying and watching God provide in unique ways. We also realize we don’t need as much as we thought we did in the past.

So, as I trust God for my identity, His peace and provision, I hope to encourage you and you me.

Love,

V

The Worst Combination: People Pleasing & Control Issues

Taking a deep breathe, I open my laptop and login to this space without knowing what will come out, but knowing that I need to be faithful with the gift God has given me.  I have too often ridden the waves of fear & self-doubt, allowing human words to pull me from what I know God has shown me in His Word what I am to do.  I am not made to live these short days pleasing men, and although my heart groans these truths, my actions are stifled by the temporary, the earthly.  

You see, although you may see my smiling face, and I may have been a "favorite" among students, I am more than that.  Since my brain tumor and the birth of my son, I have struggled with anxiety.  Growing up a product of a divorced family, I bring with me fear of rejection, fear of failure and people-pleasing skills to my detriment.  

I want to be perfect in my own strength, I want others to like me, I can't seem to stay organized and fear constantly that my tumor is back when my brain gets foggy and my thoughts are jumbled.  I worry about my kids, worry I'm not doing exactly what God is calling me to, worry about the future.  I worry.  That's the problem, and I know it.  I know all of the verses about worry, and how God tells us not to fear over and over.  I pray against this daily as the thoughts enter my mind.  

For years I have been comfortable being vulnerable.  I share my joys and struggles so that God can be seen clearly through my story.  I make mistakes, and I don't want you to make the same. Friend, I like to control everything, so I "know that everyone is o.k."  This cycle of people pleasing and charging forward has gotten me into quite a few situations where I'm flat on my face.  Each time God walks with me and reminds me that He is in control, and that He is to be pleased.  

So friends, if you are in the midst of the unknown, grasping at someone or something to give you strength and stability, you will not find satisfaction.  Trust Him.  Seek Him.  You are not in control.  Turn every bit of this world we struggle to understand over to Him and rest in His Truths and Promises.  As I am now again.

Matthew 11:29

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.  

God Calls Us and God Is With Us

God calls us.
God calls us to love everyone.  Love the seemingly unlovable, the tough.  God asks us to trust Him and walk with Him, in the midst of the unknown. 

This year our family challenged with some tough relationships and situations.  Together we faced the vulnerable, the scary, and uncharted territory for our family.  We did not handle every situation well.  However, we comprehended just a bit more of how much Jesus loves us, sacrificed for us, and pursues us, mess and all.  The idea that we can even possibly pull ourselves together enough to present ourselves as lovable and desirable to God is laughable.

All of that being said,

What God calls us to may not be easy, in fact it probably won't be easy.  
God doesn't promise easy, He promises that He is with us.  God with us, Emmanuel. 

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. - John 1:14 NASB

Jesus wasn't welcomed by all.  His moments on earth were full of pain and suffering as well.  There was purpose to it.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5 NIV

We cannot forget this truth every December we remember our Savior's birth.  No matter what He asks us to do, or all of the difficulties and pain, joys and doubts we may face, He is here.  Jesus has been, is, and always will be with us.  There's nothing He cannot do.  There's nothing too big for God. 

Tough relationships that need mending.

A Christmas without a loved one.

Looming health issues.

Fear of the future.

Times of desperation or confusion.

Times of joy and praise.

Let us reflect on God's Truths this week and rest in Jesus.  How are you taking to heart and embracing the fact that God is with us in the midst of it all?  What does this mean for you this season?  What is God asking you to move forward in today? 

---

(I wrote this over the past month.  Today in church, the message was almost exactly what I had written.  God is good.  The impressions on my heart He leaves in prayer times are reinforced through leaders and friends in life...so humbling!)

In preparation

Opening our home to teens this summer...

Just days before their arrival my stomach is in knots and I wonder what they will think of our family, our home.  As we pick up our toys and shift bedrooms around, I glance at the clock again and add 7 hours.  My mind wanders for a moment, “It’s 5 o’clock, I wonder what they are doing right now.”  My wonders turn into prayers as my children call my name from across the house.  Another prayer is uttered, “Oh Lord, give us wisdom with our 3 children at home, and our 2 host children coming soon.  Give us Your Peace, Joy, and Patience.”

Preparations consist of not only moving beds around, but preparing our hearts.  We are trying to remember that while we move our daughter out of her closet, that we must prepare her heart to share her room, her mom, her dad.  What good are clean windows if our minds are not ready?  How can we pour out more love if our hearts are not full?

You are beautifully and wonderfully made

Here are just a few ways we are preparing:

• We have found ourselves praising God out loud in moments of sunshine and fun, and talking about how much fun we are having, and how we can share that with D and K soon.
• We pray every night for D and K.
• We made our welcome sign together.
• Every day we change our chalkboard countdown, with my kids taking turns.
• I made a few verse prints to post in frames around our home to remind us of God’s love.
• Books and new friends help to give advice and ask questions to prepare us more.
• We are reflecting upon all of the people God has used, and is using in order to bring D and K here, and are grateful.  From NHFC, to new friends, friends financially supporting, friends praying, and others reading and sharing on Facebook, we all have a part.

So, as the butterflies continue and the airport welcome nears, we will seek God and praise Him, and pray for gentleness.

Let your gentleness be evident to all

Our Summer Additions

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18 NIV

 

Scrolling mindlessly on Facebook as the day wraps up is not edifying, but what I was doing the evening an image changed our family forever.  What is this picture?  What is this story?  The image, a child that needs love.  The story, a family providing a loving home.  The future, well, God knows.

In the middle of ads and random posts of friends describing their daily fun, every once in awhile there stood a picture, a child or a group of children staring at me, tugging at my heart.  Like many, I “liked” the post and continued on my mindless 10 minutes of Facebook.  And then one day I went to the page where these images were coming from and liked New Horizons For Children.  Months went by and I continued to read the stories and wonder if when our kids were older we could maybe host or adopt.  Surely with 3 younger children we weren’t at the point in our lives to open our home to these hurting children.  What could we give?  We had always talked about mission trips and adoption, but weren’t sure when to take next steps.

And then it began…

One evening I asked my husband what he would think if I asked for more information on hosting an orphan from Eastern Europe, you know, for a few years from now.  He gave an assuring yes, and I filled out an application online and got a response within days.  After reading through the site, I put it aside and continued with our daily life.  It just isn’t for us for now I thought as I rolled over in our cozy bed and drifted to sleep watching reruns of cooking shows.

And then the question came…

“Would you be interested in hosting an orphan this summer for 5 weeks?” the coordinator asked in an email.  There was a little girl who needed a family to show her unconditional love.  Um…seriously!?  I always thought I couldn’t right now.  I had everyone’s excuse of kids at home, finishing another degree, student loans, and um…there was really no good excuse I could think of to calm this nagging excitement.  A sleepless night of prayer met me.  How was I feeling so peaceful about such a jump?  How could we do this?  After 2 days of communication tag with the coordinator I found out that the girl had a home.  My stomach dropped.  I was happy for the girl, but disappointed.  All of the peace and excitement were for what reason?

“Would you still be interested in hosting this summer?” the coordinator asked.  She suggested that we just look through the biographies of the children and see if there are any children we’d like more information on, those that may fit well with our family.  After work I logged in and began reading the personalities and likes of these beautiful children living in a world so different than ours.  I have served at an orphanage in South America in the past.  I’ve met the loving kids that just want to be known, and know that they are special and loved.  Paul and I often talked openly about possibilities, but always with a 5 year time frame.  I began looking at all of the stories of the children and that’s when I saw them.  Brother and sister.  They described the likes and dislikes of our family perfectly.  The two children were the ones. Choked up, and before I knew, I was excitedly writing an email asking for more information.

You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? ~ Psalm 56:8 NKJV

I rushed to call Paul at work and tell him about these children.  I had a hint of anxiety sharing, worried that he would say that this was all crazy, too fast, not the right timing.  Instead I was met with, “It sounds like this is undeniably the right thing to do.”  (Thank you Lord for my husband who follows You with such great faith!)

Paul came home and we went through the picture and the story multiple times talking excitedly and playing with our kids.

Then the phone battery died…

Paul grabbed it and put it on the charger.

When the phone turned on it began to “ding” multiple times.  So many texts.  I shuffled to the kitchen and began reading.  It was the coordinator I had just talked to at lunch, and emailed a few hours earlier.  She wanted to let me know that she was going to give my phone number to a family that was currently in the process of adopting the roommate of one of the siblings we are looking to host this summer.  They could just give me more information since they are in contact and know the two children we are looking at hosting.  Oh good!  People that can share with me about these kids.  I wondered where this family might live.  Then a few other texts, and finally the words…they live in our hometown.  (Seriously?  Our town?  Out of the entire U.S., this family adopting the roommate to the siblings we are interested in hosting lives in our city?  That is impossible!)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV

And before I could process the full thought, the phone rang…

“Hello” began the conversation where we discovered that the mother had been praying for a family to host these two children from Eastern Europe, and more specifically, in our hometown.  She had shared with friends and churches all over our area.  For months she and her family prayed.  We saw and heard of none of this before now.  The deadline had drawn closer and tears across the ocean streamed down faces as children, who were being invited into homes in the U.S., were announced and the siblings were not on the list.

At this point Paul and I know without a doubt that this step we are taking is what we are to do, and are excited to know that these prayers have been answered, andthe the tears that were shed were not in vain.  There are many more things that were spoken on the phone that let us know without a doubt that this is right.

We are excited and have peace about this.  I move between tears and sheer excitement that this adventure is undeniably orchestrated by God.

We don’t know what God will call us to after this summer.

All that we know is that our home, our hearts, our family and friends, are to love these two kids, share Jesus’ love and show them they are special.

We have stepped out in faith knowing that we are called to open our home this summer to D and K.  We are oddly not worried about asking others to join us on this journey as we have often found ways to support others and love to be a part of what God is doing in His children’s lives around the world.

Our Baby Genevieve Story

Genevieve Alice arrived August 22, 2013 just after noon.  If you follow me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter you may have seen a feed full of pictures.  Our family has been having fun welcoming her home.  I have been dealing with some health issues and it has made it difficult to care for my family.  If you are interested in the “not-too-much-information-birth-story” read on toward the bottom (for those of you that asked).

(Genevieve, this is for you to read when you are much older, like maybe after you have your first child yourself.)

Baby Gigi, you entered this world with warning signs for days.  Muscles and bones screamed of your arrival and your kicks let me know of your excitement to see your family you heard for months inside of my belly.  Child, you were with me through some stressful times of illness, pregnancy illness, mommy taking graduate classes and going back to work.  With each change I felt a closeness to you, feeling Jesus is with me and smiling, knowing you were too.

Now when you came, you were a bit poky like your brother and sister.  You see, I had contractions for hours 3-5 minutes apart for 2 days (and then they would stop after 2 hours) and by the 3rd day, they came and didn’t seem to stop.  1 week early, your daddy and I headed to the hospital late morning (it took 2 hours to get your siblings dropped off and get to the hospital) and the contractions stopped.  You see, you are unique, and so was your entrance.  Your brother and sister took over 30 and over 20 hours each, but the contractions never stopped.  Your peaceful demeanor calmed me so that I thought I was going home to wait for another day.  After being hooked up to the monitors and walking the halls to see if things would start up again, I wandered to the nurse’s station and put my face in my hands.

“Just send me home,” I whimpered to the nurse.

To which she quickly replied, “Honey, I just got off of the phone with your Dr. and he actually would like you to stay.  There’s a bit of a concern with the baby’s heartbeat and we need to continue to monitor you.”

I was in shock.  I was ready to go home and now she’s saying something may be of concern.  Within a few minutes I was told that I needed an internal monitor or two and the baby would be coming within 24 hours as they have to break my water to do that.  I remember feeling nervous knowing that there was a concern, yet peaceful thinking she’ll be in good hands and in my arms within the day.

The shift from triage to a delivery room immediately happened and I was up in a new room.  There were a lot of emergencies going on in the hospital and it was 4 hours before I was on to the next step and the monitors hooked up.  Contractions came and were not steady nor getting stronger.  They were random and this again was not typical for me.  The other two kids I had strong, steady contractions 2 minutes apart for HOURS and that’s where I would SLOWLY progress.  Now my body wasn’t even doing that.

My two previous births were completely natural.  Now they are saying Pitocin in order to get the baby out in time before a risk of infection.  There was no question whether I would have it.  An IV and hours of Pitocin and my body was doing it’s normal SLOW progression through the morning hours.  At this point I was exhausted after 3 days of horrible sleep and on-and-off contractions.  I asked for the medication Stadol that allows your body to relax between contractions (which was 1 minute at this point) and I still felt the contractions themselves.  The funny thing is that this is how I felt with my first baby without meds, I just couldn’t get relaxed enough to do it this time.  I am so glad I did this.  The medicine wore off before I had to push and it gave me two hours of a bit of sanity between the pain.

At just after 12 noon I knew I had to push and screamed.  Yes, I’m a screamer at the end.  No apologies.  2 contractions (3 minutes) and she was out without an issue or injury.

The evening was filled with snuggles, excited phone calls and new baby pictures.  I even asked and was approved to leave the next day in the afternoon.

The next morning I was woken up by my OB and I sat in bed talking and feeling good.  After a long chat he left and my breakfast and the nurses arrived.  An hour later I decided to climb out of bed….and that’s when I realized I couldn’t walk.  I could not move anything below my waist without extreme pain and screaming.

The next 12 hours lets just say the nursing staff did not understand the pain I was in.  When the evening shift came, my nurse from the night before was shocked to see me.  Immediately she began asking questions and had my OB called (who was on vacation) as well as other doctors in the hospital.  Three hours later I had answers after multiple tests and X-rays.  I had some bones separate and muscles/tendons pulled.

I had to stay for a few days to figure out how my husband and I were going to be able to function at home with 2 littles and a newborn without the ability to walk.  We made some phone calls and headed home.   I honestly don’t remember much of the first week.  I do remember heading to the ER with stomach issues caused by the medicine and being diagnosed with something completely different as well.  An infection that can happen after baby comes.

So, the last month has been filled with many answered prayers and crazy determination.  I was told by the Osteopathic Surgeon that my bones separated 1.5cm and 3.0cm is the cut-off for surgery for pins to be inserted.  I am glad I do not have to have surgery as long as it does not separate more.  I am blessed as 6-8 weeks is what I was told to take for bed rest.  With much prayer (from many of you) I have been able to slowly gain mobility each day (and I mean slow and painful) but am able to walk forward with a walker now.  I’m enjoying the days with my babies.

~~~~

To all of our family and friends (near and far),

Thank you for praying and for your support and patience.  We are truly blessed.  Things are much sweeter and I have learned even more not to take simple things for granted.  I am gaining my mobility back, but others won’t.

Thanks again,

With Love,

our family of 5