God Calls Us and God Is With Us

God calls us.
God calls us to love everyone.  Love the seemingly unlovable, the tough.  God asks us to trust Him and walk with Him, in the midst of the unknown. 

This year our family challenged with some tough relationships and situations.  Together we faced the vulnerable, the scary, and uncharted territory for our family.  We did not handle every situation well.  However, we comprehended just a bit more of how much Jesus loves us, sacrificed for us, and pursues us, mess and all.  The idea that we can even possibly pull ourselves together enough to present ourselves as lovable and desirable to God is laughable.

All of that being said,

What God calls us to may not be easy, in fact it probably won't be easy.  
God doesn't promise easy, He promises that He is with us.  God with us, Emmanuel. 

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. - John 1:14 NASB

Jesus wasn't welcomed by all.  His moments on earth were full of pain and suffering as well.  There was purpose to it.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. - Isaiah 53:5 NIV

We cannot forget this truth every December we remember our Savior's birth.  No matter what He asks us to do, or all of the difficulties and pain, joys and doubts we may face, He is here.  Jesus has been, is, and always will be with us.  There's nothing He cannot do.  There's nothing too big for God. 

Tough relationships that need mending.

A Christmas without a loved one.

Looming health issues.

Fear of the future.

Times of desperation or confusion.

Times of joy and praise.

Let us reflect on God's Truths this week and rest in Jesus.  How are you taking to heart and embracing the fact that God is with us in the midst of it all?  What does this mean for you this season?  What is God asking you to move forward in today? 

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(I wrote this over the past month.  Today in church, the message was almost exactly what I had written.  God is good.  The impressions on my heart He leaves in prayer times are reinforced through leaders and friends in life...so humbling!)

In preparation

Opening our home to teens this summer...

Just days before their arrival my stomach is in knots and I wonder what they will think of our family, our home.  As we pick up our toys and shift bedrooms around, I glance at the clock again and add 7 hours.  My mind wanders for a moment, “It’s 5 o’clock, I wonder what they are doing right now.”  My wonders turn into prayers as my children call my name from across the house.  Another prayer is uttered, “Oh Lord, give us wisdom with our 3 children at home, and our 2 host children coming soon.  Give us Your Peace, Joy, and Patience.”

Preparations consist of not only moving beds around, but preparing our hearts.  We are trying to remember that while we move our daughter out of her closet, that we must prepare her heart to share her room, her mom, her dad.  What good are clean windows if our minds are not ready?  How can we pour out more love if our hearts are not full?

You are beautifully and wonderfully made

Here are just a few ways we are preparing:

• We have found ourselves praising God out loud in moments of sunshine and fun, and talking about how much fun we are having, and how we can share that with D and K soon.
• We pray every night for D and K.
• We made our welcome sign together.
• Every day we change our chalkboard countdown, with my kids taking turns.
• I made a few verse prints to post in frames around our home to remind us of God’s love.
• Books and new friends help to give advice and ask questions to prepare us more.
• We are reflecting upon all of the people God has used, and is using in order to bring D and K here, and are grateful.  From NHFC, to new friends, friends financially supporting, friends praying, and others reading and sharing on Facebook, we all have a part.

So, as the butterflies continue and the airport welcome nears, we will seek God and praise Him, and pray for gentleness.

Let your gentleness be evident to all

Our Summer Additions

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18 NIV

 

Scrolling mindlessly on Facebook as the day wraps up is not edifying, but what I was doing the evening an image changed our family forever.  What is this picture?  What is this story?  The image, a child that needs love.  The story, a family providing a loving home.  The future, well, God knows.

In the middle of ads and random posts of friends describing their daily fun, every once in awhile there stood a picture, a child or a group of children staring at me, tugging at my heart.  Like many, I “liked” the post and continued on my mindless 10 minutes of Facebook.  And then one day I went to the page where these images were coming from and liked New Horizons For Children.  Months went by and I continued to read the stories and wonder if when our kids were older we could maybe host or adopt.  Surely with 3 younger children we weren’t at the point in our lives to open our home to these hurting children.  What could we give?  We had always talked about mission trips and adoption, but weren’t sure when to take next steps.

And then it began…

One evening I asked my husband what he would think if I asked for more information on hosting an orphan from Eastern Europe, you know, for a few years from now.  He gave an assuring yes, and I filled out an application online and got a response within days.  After reading through the site, I put it aside and continued with our daily life.  It just isn’t for us for now I thought as I rolled over in our cozy bed and drifted to sleep watching reruns of cooking shows.

And then the question came…

“Would you be interested in hosting an orphan this summer for 5 weeks?” the coordinator asked in an email.  There was a little girl who needed a family to show her unconditional love.  Um…seriously!?  I always thought I couldn’t right now.  I had everyone’s excuse of kids at home, finishing another degree, student loans, and um…there was really no good excuse I could think of to calm this nagging excitement.  A sleepless night of prayer met me.  How was I feeling so peaceful about such a jump?  How could we do this?  After 2 days of communication tag with the coordinator I found out that the girl had a home.  My stomach dropped.  I was happy for the girl, but disappointed.  All of the peace and excitement were for what reason?

“Would you still be interested in hosting this summer?” the coordinator asked.  She suggested that we just look through the biographies of the children and see if there are any children we’d like more information on, those that may fit well with our family.  After work I logged in and began reading the personalities and likes of these beautiful children living in a world so different than ours.  I have served at an orphanage in South America in the past.  I’ve met the loving kids that just want to be known, and know that they are special and loved.  Paul and I often talked openly about possibilities, but always with a 5 year time frame.  I began looking at all of the stories of the children and that’s when I saw them.  Brother and sister.  They described the likes and dislikes of our family perfectly.  The two children were the ones. Choked up, and before I knew, I was excitedly writing an email asking for more information.

You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? ~ Psalm 56:8 NKJV

I rushed to call Paul at work and tell him about these children.  I had a hint of anxiety sharing, worried that he would say that this was all crazy, too fast, not the right timing.  Instead I was met with, “It sounds like this is undeniably the right thing to do.”  (Thank you Lord for my husband who follows You with such great faith!)

Paul came home and we went through the picture and the story multiple times talking excitedly and playing with our kids.

Then the phone battery died…

Paul grabbed it and put it on the charger.

When the phone turned on it began to “ding” multiple times.  So many texts.  I shuffled to the kitchen and began reading.  It was the coordinator I had just talked to at lunch, and emailed a few hours earlier.  She wanted to let me know that she was going to give my phone number to a family that was currently in the process of adopting the roommate of one of the siblings we are looking to host this summer.  They could just give me more information since they are in contact and know the two children we are looking at hosting.  Oh good!  People that can share with me about these kids.  I wondered where this family might live.  Then a few other texts, and finally the words…they live in our hometown.  (Seriously?  Our town?  Out of the entire U.S., this family adopting the roommate to the siblings we are interested in hosting lives in our city?  That is impossible!)

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26 NIV

And before I could process the full thought, the phone rang…

“Hello” began the conversation where we discovered that the mother had been praying for a family to host these two children from Eastern Europe, and more specifically, in our hometown.  She had shared with friends and churches all over our area.  For months she and her family prayed.  We saw and heard of none of this before now.  The deadline had drawn closer and tears across the ocean streamed down faces as children, who were being invited into homes in the U.S., were announced and the siblings were not on the list.

At this point Paul and I know without a doubt that this step we are taking is what we are to do, and are excited to know that these prayers have been answered, andthe the tears that were shed were not in vain.  There are many more things that were spoken on the phone that let us know without a doubt that this is right.

We are excited and have peace about this.  I move between tears and sheer excitement that this adventure is undeniably orchestrated by God.

We don’t know what God will call us to after this summer.

All that we know is that our home, our hearts, our family and friends, are to love these two kids, share Jesus’ love and show them they are special.

We have stepped out in faith knowing that we are called to open our home this summer to D and K.  We are oddly not worried about asking others to join us on this journey as we have often found ways to support others and love to be a part of what God is doing in His children’s lives around the world.

Our Baby Genevieve Story

Genevieve Alice arrived August 22, 2013 just after noon.  If you follow me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter you may have seen a feed full of pictures.  Our family has been having fun welcoming her home.  I have been dealing with some health issues and it has made it difficult to care for my family.  If you are interested in the “not-too-much-information-birth-story” read on toward the bottom (for those of you that asked).

(Genevieve, this is for you to read when you are much older, like maybe after you have your first child yourself.)

Baby Gigi, you entered this world with warning signs for days.  Muscles and bones screamed of your arrival and your kicks let me know of your excitement to see your family you heard for months inside of my belly.  Child, you were with me through some stressful times of illness, pregnancy illness, mommy taking graduate classes and going back to work.  With each change I felt a closeness to you, feeling Jesus is with me and smiling, knowing you were too.

Now when you came, you were a bit poky like your brother and sister.  You see, I had contractions for hours 3-5 minutes apart for 2 days (and then they would stop after 2 hours) and by the 3rd day, they came and didn’t seem to stop.  1 week early, your daddy and I headed to the hospital late morning (it took 2 hours to get your siblings dropped off and get to the hospital) and the contractions stopped.  You see, you are unique, and so was your entrance.  Your brother and sister took over 30 and over 20 hours each, but the contractions never stopped.  Your peaceful demeanor calmed me so that I thought I was going home to wait for another day.  After being hooked up to the monitors and walking the halls to see if things would start up again, I wandered to the nurse’s station and put my face in my hands.

“Just send me home,” I whimpered to the nurse.

To which she quickly replied, “Honey, I just got off of the phone with your Dr. and he actually would like you to stay.  There’s a bit of a concern with the baby’s heartbeat and we need to continue to monitor you.”

I was in shock.  I was ready to go home and now she’s saying something may be of concern.  Within a few minutes I was told that I needed an internal monitor or two and the baby would be coming within 24 hours as they have to break my water to do that.  I remember feeling nervous knowing that there was a concern, yet peaceful thinking she’ll be in good hands and in my arms within the day.

The shift from triage to a delivery room immediately happened and I was up in a new room.  There were a lot of emergencies going on in the hospital and it was 4 hours before I was on to the next step and the monitors hooked up.  Contractions came and were not steady nor getting stronger.  They were random and this again was not typical for me.  The other two kids I had strong, steady contractions 2 minutes apart for HOURS and that’s where I would SLOWLY progress.  Now my body wasn’t even doing that.

My two previous births were completely natural.  Now they are saying Pitocin in order to get the baby out in time before a risk of infection.  There was no question whether I would have it.  An IV and hours of Pitocin and my body was doing it’s normal SLOW progression through the morning hours.  At this point I was exhausted after 3 days of horrible sleep and on-and-off contractions.  I asked for the medication Stadol that allows your body to relax between contractions (which was 1 minute at this point) and I still felt the contractions themselves.  The funny thing is that this is how I felt with my first baby without meds, I just couldn’t get relaxed enough to do it this time.  I am so glad I did this.  The medicine wore off before I had to push and it gave me two hours of a bit of sanity between the pain.

At just after 12 noon I knew I had to push and screamed.  Yes, I’m a screamer at the end.  No apologies.  2 contractions (3 minutes) and she was out without an issue or injury.

The evening was filled with snuggles, excited phone calls and new baby pictures.  I even asked and was approved to leave the next day in the afternoon.

The next morning I was woken up by my OB and I sat in bed talking and feeling good.  After a long chat he left and my breakfast and the nurses arrived.  An hour later I decided to climb out of bed….and that’s when I realized I couldn’t walk.  I could not move anything below my waist without extreme pain and screaming.

The next 12 hours lets just say the nursing staff did not understand the pain I was in.  When the evening shift came, my nurse from the night before was shocked to see me.  Immediately she began asking questions and had my OB called (who was on vacation) as well as other doctors in the hospital.  Three hours later I had answers after multiple tests and X-rays.  I had some bones separate and muscles/tendons pulled.

I had to stay for a few days to figure out how my husband and I were going to be able to function at home with 2 littles and a newborn without the ability to walk.  We made some phone calls and headed home.   I honestly don’t remember much of the first week.  I do remember heading to the ER with stomach issues caused by the medicine and being diagnosed with something completely different as well.  An infection that can happen after baby comes.

So, the last month has been filled with many answered prayers and crazy determination.  I was told by the Osteopathic Surgeon that my bones separated 1.5cm and 3.0cm is the cut-off for surgery for pins to be inserted.  I am glad I do not have to have surgery as long as it does not separate more.  I am blessed as 6-8 weeks is what I was told to take for bed rest.  With much prayer (from many of you) I have been able to slowly gain mobility each day (and I mean slow and painful) but am able to walk forward with a walker now.  I’m enjoying the days with my babies.

~~~~

To all of our family and friends (near and far),

Thank you for praying and for your support and patience.  We are truly blessed.  Things are much sweeter and I have learned even more not to take simple things for granted.  I am gaining my mobility back, but others won’t.

Thanks again,

With Love,

our family of 5

Anxious About Being Anxious

One month and baby girl will be here (maybe less after all of the cramps I’m having).  I’m a bit nervous even though this will be my 3rd delivery and the other 2 were safe and healthy.  Do you want to hear something funny?  I‘m anxious about being anxious.  The hormones and post-partum depression denied and gone unchecked that led me to so much anxiety is staring me in the face.

Questions of what-ifs swirl in my head.

& then I remember the Freedom that God gave me through counseling and a little medicine.  No shame.

I will not listen to the negative thoughts, but will focus on the positive.  I know that God is a God of redemption and healing.  I need to continue memorizing God’s truths that tell me who I am and Who He is.  The more I focus on myself, the more anxious I become.

Here’s to the next month of deep breaths, prayer and trusting in the amazing God of the universe.  (& maybe a few more snuggles with my kids!)

12 Ways I Handle Anxiety

I’ve had some people email me privately asking about my medications for my anxiety….
I don’t want to share specific medications on my blog, but I will share with you (in no particular order) some things I’ve learned or have been doing over the past months ~

Just remember

Everybody is different
&
Every-Body is different….
What has worked for me, may not work for you.

• I’ve been taking a low dose of my medicine (and stepped it up just a bit – which I guess is normal) and have been feeling better.  I have an “emergency” Rx I keep in my purse if I feel like I’m going to have an attack. 
• I’m hoping to be able to transition off of my meds next spring (2013) per my doctor.  Some people need to stay on them for life, while others go on and off of them or just go on them once.
• I haven’t had an attack in quite some time, but I am now more in tune with what feelings go with anxiety attacks.  If I’m hoping to go off of the medication for the long haul I want to be able to recognize the symptoms and learn to calm myself now.  
• If I feel a lot of stress, it may be two weeks ’til it shows up physically in the form of an anxiety attack.  I’m a “suck it up” and “get it done” kind of girl so recognizing and avoiding stressful situations is very important.  
• I have gained weight – not sure if it’s the medication or the fact that my gym membership expired and I haven’t really exercised like I was!  (I’ll blame the meds).  
• We did make it a priority with our Christmas money gifted us to get a spin bike, so there are no excuses in the cold Michigan winters with the kids.  I know exercise will help a lot!
• I have been working on (and my husband can say I’m nowhere near perfect) on my eating habits.  I have been known to focus on making healthy choices for the kids, but not so good at following through for myself.
• My husband and I have talked through (outside of an anxious moment) how I need him to respond to me….how to truly help and avoid his “fix it” mentality.
• I went through an amazing Bible study group that truly helped me dig in and realize the lies I was believing and living out in my life.  
• I have made it a priority to start my day with God rather than try to fit Him into “my” busy schedule.  Spending time with Him and learning to trust in Him with ALL things.  
• I have gone to the chiropractor a few times to be adjusted.  The pain that was in my chest is connected to my chiropractic issues and not a heart issue.
• My family and friends around me (and that includes all of you) have been so amazing!  God is showing me that I’m not alone in all of this.  Not only is God here for me, but all of you!  Thank you!
• In addition, I had some amazing advice from fellow friend bloggers (who I truly appreciate, but will not mention their names due to privacy).  They truly answered a million questions I had and supported me.  Thank you.  

So, as I travel through this struggle of anxiety I will continue to share bits and pieces with you.  If you ever have specific questions, please don’t hesitate to email me.

And Evening Comes (Our Miscarriage Story)

I lay in bed with my arm holding my first born close.  I can feel her heart beat and chest rising with every breath.  The sound of the air filling her lungs has never been sweeter.  I needed this moment tonight.  God, I thank you for my 2 wonderful children.  I am grieving my third with tears and questions, but ultimately know that You are my strength and my song.  

Just 24 hours ago I was googling “When do you feel your baby kick in 3rd pregnancy” and now I’m clearing out my google search from this morning “spotting in pregnancy” with a pit in my stomach that doesn’t end.  

I feel like there were moments today that I was lucid and very matter of fact.  Other moments I honestly feel like I blacked out.  Numb.  In the midst of mourning the loss of my unborn baby I get a text or Instagram message of someone saying they’re praying.  

I cannot explain how amazing that is.  I always assumed that if this happened to me that I would want it to be private and not let anyone know.  Now that I’m in the midst of it, I appreciate need the prayers.  

All I want is for this to be over.  Now it’s just waiting for my body to go back to “normal”. 

Questions fill my heart….

How long do I have to wear pregnancy clothes?  My normal clothes don’t fit and maternity clothes hug my empty womb and make my belly look so cute.  I’m afraid to go in public and have someone ask me how far along I am.  

How long will this ache be in my heart?

How do we know that God wants us to have more children?  I just got the wind knocked out of my already exhausted soul.  I don’t know if I could handle it again.  (& then I hear God whisper – you cannot handle it.  I can.  I will.  Just trust me.)

What do I do with the newborn clothes I just got at the garage sale?  Where do I put them so I don’t run across them every day?  

I know this happens to a lot of women.  (Just to let you know, that’s never a way to encourage someone going through this….those words are toxic.)  I’ve just never experienced this.  I am asking WHY and trying to grieve yet focus on the joy I have in my life.  I like to control things and I don’t want to control this grieving process.  I want God to do it.  I want God’s hand on my heart healing me.  God’s encouragement through prayer, His Word and others balm to my aching heart.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18  

Now I am thinking of all of my friends who have been through this that I could’ve reached out to more.  I cannot look back in regret, but can only move forward trying to be open so others may be encouraged.  I cannot let this experience rot me from the inside.  I need to allow God to shine through and make something beautiful.  

What ugly thing have you had to give to God to heal or make beautiful?

Mourning Begins (Our Miscarriage Story)

Mourning Begins….

The morning began with my usual preggo trip to the bathroom with organs pushing on my bladder.  My calendar was anxiously awaiting me to cross out my post to write on my pregnancy announcement.  I had planned the pictures I wanted to take and the words I wanted to say.  I had posted a picture on Instagram the day before too excited to wait.  The sun came up and everything was beautiful…until I noticed something different.  Something I wasn’t expecting.  

My husband left for work and I sat and waited for the clock to turn to 9:00 so I could call my midwife’s office.  9:01 and I said to the receptionist, “This is Virginia and I think I’m having a miscarriage.”  I think the only word she heard was “this” and the sobs broke up the rest. 

As I cried the early morning minutes away my daughter came up to me and asked, “Mommy, what’s wrong?”

For a few days she had overheard conversations about the new baby coming and knew there was a baby in my belly.  She was excited and already named “her” the same as her dolly.  

I sucked up and replied with a whimper, “Honey, Mommy’s just sad right now.  I’m o.k.”

“Why are you crying?” she asked with such sincerity it was like God was ministering to me through my nearly 4 year old.  

“You know the baby in mommy’s belly.  “She” got sick and is with Jesus now.”

“Oh….she’s with Great Grandma now.  Great Grandma is rocking her then.”

“Yes, yes she is.  Jesus and Great Grandma are taking care of her.”

Tears. Smiles. Peace.  

The ride in the car with my kiddos to the hospital to get blood drawn was a blur. The drive was no different than any other day to Eliana and Micah.  The destination of the hospital was an adventure to them.  The new place, new people and objects just like the items in their doctor kit fascinated them.  On the way down the hall to the lab they entertained me.  Every moment I thanked God for them.  My sweet little ones were keeping me from curling up in a ball of tears.  

After the blood draw I had a friend that could watch them across town next to my midwife’s office.  Walking in she just hugged me and prayed.  Without many words she handed me a sheet of paper with today’s devotion on it from “Jesus Calling”.  Words I think were written for me.  For this day.  

Grateful to have my kids somewhere else I checked in and sat in a chair in the waiting room.  Across from me sat a pregnant woman.  I wanted to smile and share a knowing glance and congratulatory waves but I couldn’t.  I had to turn away and wipe tears from my eyes.  I stared at the window until she was called into the back room.  A sigh of relief came and I felt free to look about the room for anything that would distract me.  Magazines cover the shelves all about babies and pregnancy.  I start to feel tears coming.  I turned my eyes to an entire wall blanketed in thank you notes and baby announcements and lost it.  

Within minutes (that seemed like hours) it was time for me to go back with the nurse.  She has seen me through my two previous births and I am relieved to see her.  The kindness shown to me as I lay through exams and explanations of what may have happened eased the pain.  All I could think about was what was supposed to be a time of joy and excitement was now amemory forever etched in my heart of pain.  Pain I hear may slowly subside but today cannot imagine. 

I am grieving.

I know that God is here.  I know that He cares.  I know that I am blessed to have 2 kids.  I know that the tiny baby the size of a grape is in heaven.  The truths are in my head and heart, but I still need to cry.  I still need to mourn.

When you see me, please don’t ask me how I’m doing.  You can give me a smile or a hug, but I am afraid I may break down in public.  Know that I’m not stuffing it inside, but am working through things with God and my family.  I will be o.k. & all of you pregnant ladies, I really am excited for you.  I may be sewing some things just for you.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  Please pray for everyone that has a baby in their belly or has lost one.  

I’ll share more tomorrow.  Thank you for letting me “get this out” and share with you as part of my “therapy”.  It’s my journal I feel that maybe can encourage someone else.  We’re not alone.