Taking a deep breathe, I open my laptop and login to this space without knowing what will come out, but knowing that I need to be faithful with the gift God has given me.  I have too often ridden the waves of fear & self-doubt, allowing human words to pull me from what I know God has shown me in His Word what I am to do.  I am not made to live these short days pleasing men, and although my heart groans these truths, my actions are stifled by the temporary, the earthly.  

You see, although you may see my smiling face, and I may have been a "favorite" among students, I am more than that.  Since my brain tumor and the birth of my son, I have struggled with anxiety.  Growing up a product of a divorced family, I bring with me fear of rejection, fear of failure and people-pleasing skills to my detriment.  

I want to be perfect in my own strength, I want others to like me, I can't seem to stay organized and fear constantly that my tumor is back when my brain gets foggy and my thoughts are jumbled.  I worry about my kids, worry I'm not doing exactly what God is calling me to, worry about the future.  I worry.  That's the problem, and I know it.  I know all of the verses about worry, and how God tells us not to fear over and over.  I pray against this daily as the thoughts enter my mind.  

For years I have been comfortable being vulnerable.  I share my joys and struggles so that God can be seen clearly through my story.  I make mistakes, and I don't want you to make the same. Friend, I like to control everything, so I "know that everyone is o.k."  This cycle of people pleasing and charging forward has gotten me into quite a few situations where I'm flat on my face.  Each time God walks with me and reminds me that He is in control, and that He is to be pleased.  

So friends, if you are in the midst of the unknown, grasping at someone or something to give you strength and stability, you will not find satisfaction.  Trust Him.  Seek Him.  You are not in control.  Turn every bit of this world we struggle to understand over to Him and rest in His Truths and Promises.  As I am now again.

Matthew 11:29

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.