I lay in bed with my arm holding my first born close.  I can feel her heart beat and chest rising with every breath.  The sound of the air filling her lungs has never been sweeter.  I needed this moment tonight.  God, I thank you for my 2 wonderful children.  I am grieving my third with tears and questions, but ultimately know that You are my strength and my song.  

Just 24 hours ago I was googling “When do you feel your baby kick in 3rd pregnancy” and now I’m clearing out my google search from this morning “spotting in pregnancy” with a pit in my stomach that doesn’t end.  

I feel like there were moments today that I was lucid and very matter of fact.  Other moments I honestly feel like I blacked out.  Numb.  In the midst of mourning the loss of my unborn baby I get a text or Instagram message of someone saying they’re praying.  

I cannot explain how amazing that is.  I always assumed that if this happened to me that I would want it to be private and not let anyone know.  Now that I’m in the midst of it, I appreciate need the prayers.  

All I want is for this to be over.  Now it’s just waiting for my body to go back to “normal”. 

Questions fill my heart….

How long do I have to wear pregnancy clothes?  My normal clothes don’t fit and maternity clothes hug my empty womb and make my belly look so cute.  I’m afraid to go in public and have someone ask me how far along I am.  

How long will this ache be in my heart?

How do we know that God wants us to have more children?  I just got the wind knocked out of my already exhausted soul.  I don’t know if I could handle it again.  (& then I hear God whisper – you cannot handle it.  I can.  I will.  Just trust me.)

What do I do with the newborn clothes I just got at the garage sale?  Where do I put them so I don’t run across them every day?  

I know this happens to a lot of women.  (Just to let you know, that’s never a way to encourage someone going through this….those words are toxic.)  I’ve just never experienced this.  I am asking WHY and trying to grieve yet focus on the joy I have in my life.  I like to control things and I don’t want to control this grieving process.  I want God to do it.  I want God’s hand on my heart healing me.  God’s encouragement through prayer, His Word and others balm to my aching heart.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18  

Now I am thinking of all of my friends who have been through this that I could’ve reached out to more.  I cannot look back in regret, but can only move forward trying to be open so others may be encouraged.  I cannot let this experience rot me from the inside.  I need to allow God to shine through and make something beautiful.  

What ugly thing have you had to give to God to heal or make beautiful?